So this may not be the first poem I have ever written, but it is the very first poem I wrote about my Savior, thus making it the most important one to me.
I would say that I would have been about 15, heading home from NC on our church bus after a week at youth camp in New Manna Baptist Church.
I particularly remember having been hit hard by all the preaching and made many decisions this year. With all the excitement, and all the "I will give up that" and "I will not turn back this time" thoughts going on in past years, this trip brought about the desire to not give in to the sway of the world, and squelch all that I had made decisions about for God.
In another attempt to stand firm for God, I feared my life having already been so wasted, and at times very useless. I thought at times how easy it would be to stop trying to live for God, and that I might just as easily give up. After all, my problems are so much bigger than everybody else's. But if I don't give in to the world, and to all that has been drawing me in; and if I don't give up my life to just be another wasted piece of nothing on the world's map of human drivel, then I would have to take the hardest route of all and surrender to my God.
Looking back over these 10 or so years, my self-reliance, which has gotten me nowhere actually has been hard, but only when the desire to give up God for my own understanding starts to creep in. Sure, life can be a pain, but I have to admit that when I let God have his way, he always does a much better job than I ever can.
So here it is...
Hope you don't laugh at my attempt to say something worth while so hard that you cry
As my eyes opened this morning,
I rose to sorrow, fear, and failure.
For what cause do I go on,
And why do I care?
Then I looked to the future
And saw my life as nothing I could control anymore.
I no longer care
And at times I get distracted:
Doing wrong and hurting others and myself.
So I made a firm decision;
I’m giving up.
If trials come I will not fight or struggle.
Through the burden I won’t be dismayed.
I’m just not going to try.
So there, I give you what will please me.
Satisfaction soon and life will truly be lived to its fullest.
Days went by, trials came, and still my conscience served me well.
Til’ on my knees I fell and weeping I did pray,
LORD, I’m giving up
For without you life is in disarray.
Not trying, caring, serving,
For it hurts you as well as me,
So when I give up Lord,
I pray I give up life to thee.